Heartbreak to Happiness

Q&A: Does Hearing From Your Ex Trigger Panic, Upset or Sadness? Sara Answers Your Questions

• Sara Davison • Season 1 • Episode 56

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Intro:

Welcome to the heartbreak to happiness show with Sara Davison. If you're struggling with a breakup and you feel shocked, angry, betrayed, devastated, or sad and alone, then this podcast is for you. best selling author and award winning hosts, Sara Davison shares how you too can get on with your life to heal, grow and move from heartbreak to happiness. here's your host, Sara Davison.

Sara Davison:

Welcome back to the show where you'll learn to transform your heartbreak into happiness. I'm sorry, a person and I'm here as your trusted guide to help you every step along the way. On today's episode, we are diving in to some of the questions that you have reached out and sent me some of them from Instagram, some of them on email. Now I'm clumping some of them together, because I have a lot of questions that I want to get through. But specifically, I'm getting a lot of questions about triggers. So what do I mean about triggers? I touched on this recently in an episode and I think a lot of people resonated with so I've had a lot of inquiries are what is a trigger? And how do I stop getting triggered? Okay, so, so let's look at that. What is a trigger? Well, a trigger is when you get a sudden, emotional reaction to something that happens. So for example, let me read you one of the questions that I've had in recently. So Hi, Sara, I was wondering if you could possibly help and advise me, I've been separated for four years and divorced for two. I have two girls that live with me, and they see their dad fortnightly at weekends and share school holidays. Could you offer me any advice when it comes to contact with my ex, I hear the text beep, which I only use for him, I use WhatsApp for my friends. And I literally panic, tremble and feel instantly anxious. Now, it is quite rare that we text but I just don't know how to get over this. I have the same feelings when I see him at drop off and collection. So for some of you out there, you will be feeling exactly the same. And I know this because it's really normal guys, it is really normal to get triggered. So in this example, the lady feels anxious, panicky, even physically trembling, when that text goes off. Now why? Well, that action of getting the text and the sound associated to it obviously takes so to remind her of her ex. Now, when that happens, it sends a chemical signals throughout your body, which is why that panic and the trembling starts happening. Now what is your reaction because I know many of my clients go through this as well. And it is because it's hardwired and programmed into us that our x equals, we've got to go into self defense mode because it's going to be tough, either. You're heartbroken and it triggers those feelings of sadness, maybe betrayal, maybe rejection, maybe they are unkind. Maybe it was a toxic relationship, maybe even abusive. So those reactions are your body's way of protecting you. Because it goes into protection mode, which is like something bad is gonna happen, because it's associated you with those times, maybe they've passed now. But those times where things have been bad. Now, this is something that does happen and can get worse during the breakup process. So obviously, you've been in a relationship with your ex, and over time, maybe that's fizzled out, or maybe it's exploded at the end, and you've had to get out. Whatever the reason. So from then on the breakup process, every time you hear from them, you are nervous, aren't you because you don't know what they're going to say, especially if it's a toxic breakup, or if they've cheated on you and what you're hearing, every time they get in touch with you is painful. You're splitting up your lifestyle, the finances, who sees the kids when all that can be really scary. And it comes up when they message you when they contact you when you have to speak to them because you're trying to resolve all those issues. So that's where we get that learned behavior of oh my goodness, they're contacting me is going to be bad. Because for so long, it was bad for so long, it did trigger those feelings of anxiety because you were then having to face the next round of well, what is their lawyer say? Which can be very intimidating, and in some cases, outright bullying? Yeah, what else are they wanting from me? One of my clients recently said she felt like she was fighting for her life. Every time she got a text or an email to take the divorce process a bit further forward. She would be having to give up something or compromise something. Or one of my clients at the moment spacing outrageous lies every time she opens up her emails or her text messages. It's just not true. And it's extremely upsetting for her because she has to prove that she's selling The truth against all these lies. And that is extremely draining to you can understand why so many people who have gone through a difficult breakup are negatively triggered every time their ex contacts them many years into the future, many years into the future, because you know that that has been your automatic response for a justified reason. Because you've had to go into self defense mode, you had to go, oh, my goodness, I really need to dig deep right now. Because what do they want? What do they want? Now? What does this message mean? What kind of words is this going to open up for me right now. So you're used to going into that mode, because you have to survive to get through that breakup process. Now, maybe your ex was actually very aggressive during the divorce process, maybe they were very kind to you, maybe they really broke your heart. Maybe that pain of the heartbreak or even betrayal, if that was involved. That is what you link to that message. Okay, that ting all that noise when that text message comes in. That is your reaction, your brain automatically buys back to those times. So that's why we get triggered, okay? Because our brain takes us back to the moment when it was the most painful. And we relived that. So now we know what triggers are, and how they affect us. And obviously, they can affect everybody in different ways. For some of you, you might get angry, for some it might be panic for this lady is trembling, it's a physical response as well. And when you've learned that behavior over a long period of time, it is going to take some effort to change that, okay, it's not something that you can just wave a magic wand, unfortunately, and that goes away. Because that is your body's protection mechanism is setting that alerts, your brain danger is coming or be aware, something that's going to upset you is coming. So your body goes into that tense, anxious state to anticipate what is coming next. Now, it might be that over the years, the relationship is a lot better. And these messages are not difficult at all now. And you still find yourself reacting in that way. Maybe they are actually about the kids and about pickups and drop offs and you know, normal things that you have to go through during co parenting, maybe they're not aggressive. Now, obviously, if they still aggressive, your body has rightly said in that warning sign to your brain to say, oh, my goodness, another difficult incoming message. You know, we've got to be tough here, zip up our tab lawsuit read this carefully. Because it's tough, then it's a natural reaction, you can't become totally blown away about something when someone's attacking you consistently. But I think from the messages I'm getting, is that the understanding of why am I still reacting in that fight or flight mode, many years down the line, in this case, from the lady who I read out two years, sometimes it's, you know, 15 years down the line, that we still react instantly with that fear and panic. Now, first of all, you've got to know is totally normal. Okay, please know that your body has been trained over a period of time. And that's one of my big bugbears with the family court system and the divorce process at the moment where it's just so antagonistic and pours fuel on the fire and makes these situations a lot worse. And when you've got the voice of maybe an aggressive lawyer going for you intimidating and bullying and harassing you to, to sort of voice their clients views at you, it can really, why are these reactions up. And I don't think people realize the damage they're doing long term. Now I'm a big believer, you can unpick it and you can turn it around. So that's the good news. Okay. But I really don't understand why we have to even get ourselves into that position to start with, when we could all be dialing down the negativity and having procedures in place that don't amplify, I mean, they may not be the most, you know, most effective way for family law firms to make money. But hey, it actually helps people's mental health in the long run. So I mean, there are obviously law firms that are less aggressive. But if you have been unfortunate enough to have to go up against an aggressive law firm because your ex is aggressive, maybe or just because that's their natural go to style as a law firm, then that does cause long lasting issues like this, like these triggers. And I spend a lot of my time working with clients, unpicking these issues, which makes me pretty angry as you can probably tell, because I don't think it's right. I don't think it's okay to do that in the first place. But we can't change the past. So what can you control? Right? Well, what we can do is we can start to build on your strength, your ability to build up your personal power again, okay, because maybe if they're still toxic, it's the self defense mechanism, but we need to get you out of that position of even having to receive so if your ex is hell bent on sending you messages and sending you difficult ongoing conflict through those WhatsApp or text or whatever, I think the best way to do it is just to cut that off completely and move it to email only and make it an inbox that you only check once in a while. So you're in control, okay, you go in and check that box when you are ready and feeling strong enough to do so it's not pinging into your daily life, which is the problem with text and WhatsApp, they sort of appear up on your phone, and they interrupt you from what you're doing. So taking your control back, if your ex is still being toxic, put them in a separate folder that you go and check every now and again. But you can stay to yourself before you do that is a really good plan. Now, If, on the other hand, everything is a lot more amicable right now. And you were just finding that you're hardwired to the old reaction, which was understandable, okay, it wasn't anything that you could have done anything about it was a natural reaction to being attacked. If you still have those triggers where it is triggering that, then we have to rebuild your power. Okay, so what can you do? Now, in the instant that it comes in? What we need to do is, first of all, take a deep breath. Usually, when we go into panic, we're not breathing properly. Okay, we're hyperventilating almost So actually, just taking a step back before, you know and taking your control back before you go into that panic mode of just okay? Okay. I mean, we do that two or three times until you feel just a little bit more grounded. Okay, and then we need to work out the meaning that you're attaching to this and understand it. Because the instant meaning that you're getting that's triggering the anxiety is that it's going to be bad. Okay. But if over time, these messages aren't, and they literally are sort of the men in logistics and co parenting, then we've got to change the meaning because the reality is, we are associating something that isn't true to this. So we need to break that pattern. But we have to do it consciously. So in order to do that, we have to look at what the meaning is you're attaching to it. And that will come to you in the moment. Okay, so when that happens, just think, Okay, well, what am I telling myself, this is going to be, and if it's, it's going to be bad, they're going to attack me, this is going to hurt me, they're trying to take my kids away from me, whatever the meaning is, for you, I've got a client at the moment that feels every time it's trying to get something out of her that she doesn't want. And that's the meaning that she attaches to it. But in reality, when we went back through the messages, they actually weren't. And it was just the old Association, which is hardwired into our nervous system. Okay, so we need to just really take a step back and look at this consciously rather than reacting unconsciously, to what's happening. So what is the meaning you're attaching to it? So you know, for example, if it's, they're trying to get something out of me that I don't want to give, that's going to trigger a negative reaction. If we can flip this and find a new meaning that works for you, it's going to be a lot more empowering. So at first, it's not going to be natural, you're going to have to stop, take that deep breath, and then say out loud if you can, because verbalizing something out loud has a lot more power than just thinking in your head. Okay, now, it might not always be possible. But if you can say it out loud, that would be good. So if you say out loud, you're new meaning now, that could be I'm co parenting with my ex, what can I do to make this work for my kids, the key is here that you find a new meaning to what this is. So it could be Oh, my ex has something interesting to say, or my ex needs my help with something, or my ex has something to communicate that I need to hear that is going to help my kids in some way. So turning that meaning around is going to be really empowering, okay, rather than what do they want from me? What are they going to take from me this is going to be bad, and turning it into something that can be more empowering for you to believe. So identifying what it can mean for you now to hear from your ex. So it could be Look, my ex is difficult. They're always going to be difficult, but was the game they're playing today? Okay, what's the game? What is their intent? What are they trying to get me to do right now? Okay, so even though that's not all positive, potentially, it's putting you in a place of power, because you're looking at it for what it is and saying, you know what, my ex can be pretty unkind. So this is probably not going to be that nice. But actually, let me just look at it from a perspective of I understand the game that they're playing. And I'm going to be two steps ahead. So let's look at what is their intention behind this. What do they really want and becoming more of a Sherlock Holmes looking at it rather than the victim saying, Oh, no. What do they want? What are they going to do is bad to me. So it is about taking action. Your brain changing the meaning you're attaching to that message. Okay? Now also, we have to take a step back here and look at empowering yourself, again, is looking at your whole way you're living your life. Because if a text is coming in, and you are still reacting in that way, there is a little bit of work to be done on building your self confidence, your self reliance, and your Well, you know, if you if you button like, Hey, you know what, we're divorced, we're moving on, we've got separate lives, you are not allowed to enter up my energy that because I don't allow it, I take control. Okay, so this is what I want for you to step into your FSU space. So you can kind of turn around and say, you know, what, if you I actually feel stronger and empowered, I don't need you in my life anymore. I don't want you in my life anymore. And I reclaim my power to say actually is not okay. And I didn't want to check this message right now, I don't want to read it right now. So maybe just archive it until you do feel ready to read it or look at it. Remember, you are in control of your life, and what goes on in your head. Okay, you may feel because of years of being trained to react in a certain way, or just being totally devastated by the breakup that you still carry some of that hurt with you that this is the time now to say, you know what, what happened happened, and I need to get on with my life. Like, if I hear from you, it might remind me of times that I was happy with you. But actually what is going to do is remind me of all the good things that have now in my life that I could never have had when you work. So this is almost like a bigger operation, okay, it's a bigger project for you to look at your whole life and taking back your power. So you're not there to be battered by this person anymore. That even if they don't mean it intentionally, even if they are being kind and loving, but you've just been so hurt, you're carrying that around, still, it's time to let it go. It's time to say our f you It's my life, I'm taking back my control and my power. I'm reclaiming who I am. Okay, and I'm moving forward. So building daily routines that stabilize, you are going to be key to this. So you know, getting some exercise, getting some fresh air and enjoying being outside without, you know, worrying about your ex or thinking about or expert focusing on looking at looking at the top of buildings, looking up at the top of trees, that something that lifts your face up and your heads up. So you start to embrace things other than what's going on in the immediate world around you. Okay, building up a healthy diet, a balanced diet, you don't need to go on a diet to lose weight does not what I mean, I mean, having some balance in your life so that you're getting healthy food, you're looking after yourself, you're taking back your power to build your strength from the inside out. Okay, because a healthy body, even if you're doing a brisk walk around the block every day is going to make a difference. Okay, making sure you're eating food that feeds you the fuel, you need to get that energy. And to get that mental strength that you need. You're building yourself confidence by focusing on the things that you're good at hanging around people that make you feel good about yourself, doing less of the things that make you feel drained, spending a lot less time with people that don't make you feel good and don't care about you. That's important. We want you to step up and start to feel good so that if your ex messages you it's like water off a duck's back. It's almost like, yeah, you know what, there was a time when that would upset me. But now it's like, oh, okay, what do you want, what's going on. Or even if you've got to a place where you are amicable with your ex, and the relationship is good, and you're both decent, lovely people, that you can see each other for better being separated them together, there was some pain involved, but that's gone now. And you've been able to rebuild the relationship and become almost friendly. I don't know if you've listened to my episode, where I had Ben and Nikki talking who were married, and they had a very high conflict, initial separation, and they've gone on to become like best friends, which I know for a lot of you is going to be a long shot. And I'm not saying it works for everyone. But just to see the possibility of how they went through that journey and came up the other side gives you hope that you can restore an amicable relationship with your ex where you don't have that pain associated to them. Now obviously, if it is an amicable relationship, that would be an amazing goal to set and to work towards and even if you don't get all the way there, just about a dial down those negative emotions and be kind to each other is important. And maybe your ex doesn't realize the triggers that are going on and if they are a decent person, they might take that on board. So that is always another option to say look, we still get really triggered by These things so could we just, you know, cut the the text messages, maybe just send me an email. And maybe you can work away out that way until you start to calibrate and feel a lot more balanced about it. Obviously, if it was a toxic relationship may not be possible. But if it was an amicable one and you are building on co parenting together, that should be something that you're actually being open to considering at least, so that you don't get just bombarded out of the blue by these messages, which set you off and make you feel upset. So I think it's important to remember that this is normal. And the reason you're doing it is just because you're hardwired from the bad times. If you're out the bad times in the good times, we need to cut those ties and that sort of remembering link back to that pain and replace it with something that's a lot more neutral, if not more positive. So you can turn that around yourself by just changing the meaning your associates getting those texts. But obviously if they are still unkind and they are difficult and your ex does play games, then that is going to be a tricky one. So the way to do it is look at it as a game rather than being caught up as the victim. Look at it. Like I said before, as a detective going okay, what moviemaking now what is it you what what's the intent behind this message, and almost laughing to yourself, but the ability to see it for what it is. And then working out what you want before you respond, knowing that you don't have to respond immediately. There is no control over that anymore. You can respond at your own time at your own pace. Obviously, putting the best interests of your kids first is going to be key if you're co parenting. And that's where we have to focus. What can I do right now that is best for my kids in this situation? And trying to keep the rest of it out? outside of that the emotional triggers from the past? Keep those out look at it just as a How can I help my kids? And what game are they playing with me now that will help to dial down that negative intensity and it will help to keep you in control of your emotions, which is super important I know. Now, if you can do that, you will notice a difference okay? And triggers are normal. Okay, they are difficult sometimes to handle and they can come up and hit you out of the blue. I mean with a text message or WhatsApp these can come in at any time. So I don't want you to be walking on eggshells, I would love for you to start to embrace feeling stronger, feeling more of the FSU attitudes, which really will strengthen you. Now, you know, it's not to be unkind. It's all about treating your ex with kindness and respect where it's appropriate to do so. Always caveat that because they are abusive relationships, but even those if you can always do the right thing that stands you in good stead. So triggers are natural, they're normal, you can unpick them, you can dial down that intensity, it does take a bit of effort. And don't beat yourself up. If it doesn't happen first time round. Because this is hardwired. It's going to take a little bit of practice, but every time you practice, it will get better. And hopefully just knowing that you're not alone will also help. So sending you lots of love. Take a deep breath, and try the techniques and let me know how you get them. Thank you for listening to today's episode and allowing me to help guide you from your heartbreak to your greatest happiness. I look forward to you joining me next.

Intro:

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